Blog - Nicola´s Column

The morning rush hour tube in London could be slightly depressing. You're rammed up against strangers - not nice (though occasionally not so bad!), people have only recently jumped out the shower and generally smell good - very nice, some people have dreadful breath - not one bit nice, no-one looks happy - not nice and a lot of people look a shambles - dreadful.

There's a whole bunch of stuff I could bang on about here but time is precious for us all so I'm going to do a swift sharp lecture on your hair. Ladies, please pay more attention! It's very nice to believe and live the "wash and go", but you look like a drowned rats. What's that all about? Since when has it been cool to look like the bag lady's daughter? Or like a schoolgirl just out of gym class (unless you actually are a schoolgirl just out of gym class). And, unlike the tv ads where the "wash & go girl's" hair dries to a radiant and compliant symphony cascading down her back, your's doesn't. It looks like a mishapen lump on your head.

Yes, I'm being dreadfully harsh but surely someone else can see it? Why in this day and age is this acceptable? Grunge is no longer fashionable so why? And it's not as though we're talking Mission Impossible here either. Get up ten minutes earlier - that's all - pay some attention and give your hair some big love as you smooth down those once unruly locks. Hair responds amazingly to a little care and attention and believe me, as you walk down the street, you'll feel great and both you and your hair will be your very own hair advert. *sigh* How lovely is that!

I’m sorry. I’ve been so lazy of late and haven’t written to you for months. I hope you haven’t forgotten me and still love me ‘cos I sure as heck still love you.  Can we put the divorce papers away and move on? Please? 

So what have I been up to? I’ve made a few friends, lost a few, made some beautiful memories and some not so beautiful. I’ve drunk enough wine to sink the proverbial battleship, eaten sensibly and worked like slavery was never abolished – all part of life’s fabulous merry-go-round. And I made a couple of discoveries. 

For ages I’ve been banging on about Weleda who are a bunch who create homeopathic medicines and extremely healthy beauty products for all parts of your body. They’re so passionate about what goes in, they grow their own plants (via biodynamic horticulture doncha know) so the quality is exemplary. Anyway, there I was, in this brilliant funky healthy food shop in Soho where all the female staff look like lezzers and the guys look like hippies and all proudly sport a pony tail, and I’m gazing at the Weleda shelves when I come across “Skin Food”. I instantly fall in love with the packaging and try it. Boy – it is gloopy! I try a bit on my arm and it feels beautiful and smells pretty good too (and the scent wears off quite soon so you won’t have scent wars with your perfume). I bought the stuff and now I am a convert. Apparently this product wins prizes all over the place, heaps of famous people love it and believe me, it is good. I even use it on the ends of my hair if they’re looking a bit frazzled.  And it looks good in your bathroom and you do feel extremely smug knowing how remarkably and scientifically healthy you have become. 

In the space of two days the British have ditched their Damarts, the lagged tank vests and socks and have poured into their derelict back gardens to light up their once abandoned barbeques that haven't seen the light of day for about three years. We're suddenly caught up in a frenzy of guzzling rose wine and salad burgers with our family, friends and anyone we can lay our hands on. It's amazing what a couple of days of sun and heat will do to the British public. You've got to love 'em!

Apparently we're going to have a "scorcher" this year and in true hope, I sink to my knees with my hands clasped, eyes shut tight and pray to all the gods I'm aware of, "Dear god, please give England a real f*ck-off summer, I beg you with all my heart and might." Of course, I don't offer a trade off like "and I promise I'll become a nun" because I may be held to it and frankly, it ain't going to happen and I'd hate to renege on a deal, especially with the big boy upstairs. Anyway, in anticipation of my prayers being answered, I'd like to bring to the attention of all ladies of a couple of this year's must-have products those very clever people at L'Oreal have brought out for our sun kissed faces.

 

Firstly is their new range of lip colours they've named "Color Riche". They come as a lip stick but look like a gloss. These are produced in a range of pretty colours designed to hugely compliment tanned skins only and have a delicious sheen once applied. Plus, they're packed with Royal Jelly which will benefit the condition of your picture perfect pout.

The other product is the "Glam Bronze" which, believe it or not, is a bronzer. A note of caution here, I've noticed some ladies wiping this all over their faces like a powder. You only need to brush bronzer onto the areas the sun tans first (i.e. nose, tops of cheeks, above the eye brows and chin) or you just look a bit cooked. Anyway, back to Glam Bronze - this is a lovely product with a lovely colour and gives a fabulous coverage which hints of exotic holidays.

So whether you're faking or baking this year, throw some of these fabulous products on to complete your wonderful summer look and lets all pray for a summer straight from heaven.

A few months ago the Ed came niped over to Blighty for a fun packed weekend (the less said about that, the better) and on his first night, over many bottles of wine, he made a gallant attempt to introduce me to mineral foundation. Out came the brush which he swirled around with vigour both in the pot and on my face as he gave a non-stop commentary along the lines of, "You're my best ever friend and this stuff has a natural in-built SPF and has great coverage and is full of minerals which are good for you and I've been using this and everyone said I'm gorgeous and where's my f*cking wine gone?" And so on.

 

When he'd finally finsihed, I wobbled to the bathroom as fast as my little Birkenstocks would allow me to gaze at this new vision of beauty. It was not to be. I love the Ed to bits but a make-up artist he ain't. Even with ten pints of wine I could tell I was staring at an old, old hag. This new mineral make up was a disaster - it looked cakey and around the "age delineations" (okay, okay, wrinkles), it highlighted them to the point of having a loud speaker shreeking "LOOK AT MY WRINKLES". It was so horrid I took the whole lot off.

Recently though I tried again and realised what the Ed was doing wrong and so here are my handy hints on how to truly get that awesome coverage and dewy youth skin that's a bit of a hazy memory:

1. apply sparingly or you'll get that "cakey" or "pancake" look (think of newly fried pancakes without burnt bits - or just put a pancake on your face)
2. unless you're terribly young and completely wrinkle free, avoid the eye area or this will add years to you
3. buy the finest powder you can lay your hands on - this will also help avoid that cakey look
4. buy the best brush you can afford. It'll be softer on your skin and give a far better finish
5. Swirl the brush in the pot to collect powder, then hold it upright and tap the handle downwards so the particles travel down into the brush – this will help give a more even coverage
6. GOLDEN HINT: when you're done, I rub the excess powder in with my fingers to really work it into my pores

I would recommend this for ladies with oily skin rather than dry skin as it will dry your skin out a bit. Having said that, it does give an amazing coverage and a fabulous finish and I, with my horribly dry skin, will still use it occasionally. So voila! Cameras, lights and action! You're ready to go baby!  Enjoy.

I've just come back from seeing my brother and his family in Dubai for a week. Ahh, the sun, the heat, the pool, the lazing about, the studying finance, the "what in the name of Betsy is Standard Deviation?" (probably an average woman being devious).

And of course, what holiday would be complete without sunburn? Here in Blighty we are terribly sensible and cover up with the sunscreen wherever we go, we exchange our views upon which factor will allow you to tan though still give the required protection and yet moisturise so you don't look like an old handbag by the time you hit your 40's.

And then we go abroad and all sense flies out the airplane window. Our mission it to get our annual holiday tan so we can strut around the office upon our return. Gone is the Factor 30 and in with the cooking oil.  "Yes please, and don't forget my back!"  For several weeks the UK summer our tiny island is populated by lobsters and I'm afraid I'm not much better.

A few years ago I went to Peru and visited Lake Titicaca. On the boat travelling to some remote island to stay with a local family (the food was utterly gross - I lost weight - result!) we were warned over the tannoi that we absolutely must, without question or anything, we must, must, must slap some SPF on as "laydeeez and gennelmen, we are inna vairy 'igh altitude and the sunburn will be inevitable" they warned. "Bollocks to that" thinks I, "it's so utterly freezing up here there is no way on this sweet planet the human skin can burn. They can shove their SPF up their roasted guinea pigs" and that was that.

Roll on four hours and I reach a pile of wood they call a shed where I'm meant to be sleeping that night. I take off my headscarf and "OHMIGOD ...." My forehead was half British white and half British pillar box red. I was Coco the clown. I was ridiculous. I was the laughing stock of the island. I was in humiliation and pain and looked like the top half of a traffic light.

It took about a week for my forehead to calm down and for traffic to realise I was not a road warning so I think we have a clear lesson - do not be British, do not look like a complete prat, do not turn yourself into this season's must-have handbag. Use the SPF and save yourself some botox.  Tan sensibly and book a fake tan session for your return.

The British Belisha Beacon has spoken - take heed.